The Allure of “Unpredictable Love”

This is a preview. The full article appears in Neil's book: Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship

Of the thousands of letters and emails I get from readers around the world asking for relationship advice, the most frequent center around someone in a relationship pushing away or running hot and cold. Here are a few examples:

  • My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. After we started living together, he hasn’t been as close as he was when we were dating. He doesn’t like to cuddle, touch, or be touched. He doesn’t like kissing or holding hands, especially in public. We don’t even have sex anymore—it’s been three months. Finally, he almost never says “I love you.” But I know he loves me, because he becomes anxious when we’re apart.
  • My boyfriend has closed off to me. I make all the effort to make sure he’s happy. But I feel I’m always walking on eggshells and constantly filtering what I say so as not to disappoint him. How do I ask him to put in more effort without sounding needy? I’m just too emotionally committed to be the one to leave.
  • I was in a relationship with a man for two years, and we only had sex twice. He claimed the issue was with him and didn’t want to talk about it. But he left me for another woman, and said our relationship was unhappy because we didn’t have sex. He now wants to come back to me. If he doesn’t want sex with me, why does he want to be in a relationship with me?

Remember the cartoon character Charlie Brown? He spent his childhood trying to be close to a girl named Lucy, who repeatedly rejected him. He yearned for someone he couldn’t have, who was fickle and let him down time after time. Carried into adulthood, many people—men and women—get themselves invested in an intimate partner who becomes detached, who turns hot and cold, who strings you along or who plays hard to get.

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Tagged: how to rescue my relationship   losing him   pulling away   toying with my heart   why is my husband not interested in sex?   why is my partner acting distant  

Has your relationship turned cold and distant? Neil’s book Love, Sex, and Staying Warm can help you rekindle your passion.

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