This is a preview. The full article appears in Neil's book: Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship

Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Click here for part one

Let’s say it’s been years since you and your partner have talked meaningfully about what you liked, loved, admired, respected or found attractive about each other.  If that’s the case—or close to it—we can assume that, although the two of you remain together, and perhaps even still have sex, that most of the warmth has left your relationship.  Your relationship just doesn’t feel that close anymore.

So what can you do to warm the relationship up?  What needs to occur for the two of you to emotionally reconnect so you’re feeling closer and more intimate with each other?

Probably, you already know the answer.  Most of us know what we can say or do that would create warmth and help our partner soften toward us.  I’m not talking about grand gestures, such a surprise trip somewhere or dozens of flowers, but rather small, doable, non-extravagant gestures that you could make a part of your day-to-day interactions that may ultimately mean more.

Ellen Wachtel, who presents this idea in her book We Love Each Other But… (St. Martin’s Griffin) says: “When people are angry and hurt they gradually stop doing the things that make their partner feel warmly toward them.  Often this happens without any plan or conscious decision.  Few of us actually decide to withhold or punish, although of course this can happen.  Rather, when we feel hurt and angry it just doesn’t occur to us be emotionally generous.”

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Has your relationship turned cold and distant? Neil’s book Love, Sex, and Staying Warm can help you rekindle your passion.

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