This is a preview. The full article appears in Neil's book: Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship

Dear Neil: We have been fighting about money issues for years. We argued about money when we were doing very well, and we’re fighting about money now, when we’re not. We disagree on how money is to be spent, what our financial priorities are, how to handle it when we disagree about a purchase and how much credit card debt we should carry. Right now this is complicated by us earning less than half the income we were making two years ago. Why is money such a hot-button issue for us? We know we’re not the only people having to get by on less.

Arguing in Washington

Dear Arguing: There’s a good chance that you’re actually fighting about underlying subterranean issues that often drive our emotions on this subject. Here are some of the most common hidden issues related to money:

  • Power and control: Are each person’s needs and desires around money considered equally, or does one person have more financial power than the other? Is one person considered more important than the other because s/he earns most of the money? (If so, the other person is bound to grow resentful and angry.) Who makes the decisions about how money is spent? Are my opinions and feelings valued and listened to, or are major decisions made without me? Especially if you’re someone with little or no income of your own, you may feel financially powerless—less than equal—while viewing your partner as quite powerful, which is likely to lead to you eventually withdrawing or withholding yourself emotionally, sexually or in some other way. Power imbalances over money tend to injure intimacy and closeness over time. If you want to reduce or eliminate this issue, make sure both of you feel you have more or less equal say about how joint money is to be spent, saved or invested, and what financial freedoms each person has.

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