This is a preview. The full article appears in Neil's book: Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship

Intentionally or not, might you employ sabotaging behaviors in your intimate relationships? Take this quiz to find out. Rate your answers on a scale from 1 to 5, in which 1 = never; 2 = sometimes; 3 = half the time; 4 = often, and 5 = always. This quiz is courtesy of Randi Gunther in the book Relationship Saboteurs (New Harbinger Publications).

  1. If you queried all your significant intimate partners, would their complaints be similar?
  2. Have you dismissed your partners’ requests for change as unimportant?
  3. Do you continue with certain patterns of behavior, even when they are clearly driving your partner away?
  4. When a partner is distressed with you, do you respond defensively and justify your actions?
  5. Did anyone in your childhood justify hurtful behaviors that happened to you or to others?
  6. Would you be unable to tolerate a partner behaving the way you behave in your relationships?
  7. When you’re confronted with behaviors your partner doesn’t like, do you try to reverse the blame and focus on your partner’s faults instead?
  8. Do you expect your partner to excuse your faults because you have other good qualities?
  9. Are you likely to blame your partner for behaviors you yourself use?
  10. When your relationships have ended, do you usually feel self-righteous and blameless?

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