Answer the following questions True (T) or False (F):

  1. When we argue or fight, I don’t just talk, I also listen to my partner’s side of the story (T/F)
  2. When we argue, I will stay on the subject and I don’t tend to bring other issues up (T/F)
  3. In a fight or disagreement, I tend to raise my voice (T/F)
  4. When I realize that what I said or did hurt or offended my partner, I will apologize even if s/he didn’t behave that great either (T/F)
  5. In a fight, I often swear or call my partner angry names (T/F)
  6. I get defensive in a conflict, because I frequently feel attacked (T/F)
  7. In an argument, I will often bring up other irritants that annoy me about my partner (T/F)
  8. I will compromise even when I feel my partner is overreacting or being unfair (T/F)
  9. If we get in an argument, I fight to win (T/F)
  10. In an argument, I will sometimes bring up old grievances from the past (T/F)
  11. Even when I think I’m right, I don’t usually think that my partner is wrong (T/F)
  12. In a quarrel, we wind up arguing about something unrelated to the subject we began with (T/F)
  13. I have been known to get personal and verbally hit below the belt in a fight (T/F)
  14. In a conflict, I attempt to look for solutions that both of us can live with (T/F)
  15. I tend to let my partner know when something is bothering me, even when we’re getting along great (T/F)
  16. I am receptive to my partner telling me what s/he is upset about, even when we’re getting along great (T/F)
  17. Our arguments usually resolve the subject that we were fighting about (T/F)
  18. When we make up, I am slow in reassuring my partner that I am committed to him/her or that I love him/her. I tend to remain angry and upset after a dispute, and I’m wanting to punish my partner a bit (T/F)
  19. I don’t think it’s necessary that couples need to air their grievances with each other. Such grievances are better left unsaid (T/F)
  20. Frequently our conflicts get resolved by both of us compromising (T/F)
  21. It does not take us very long to kiss and make up after a fight (T/F)

 

Scoring: Add 1 point if you said True to questions 1, 2, 4, 8, 11, 14, 15, 16, 17, 20 and 21. Take away 1 point if you answered True to questions 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 18 and 19. If your score is +5 or below, you have some work to do in learning better ways of expressing yourself–without wounding your partner or causing undue harm to your relationship. If your score is +5 to +9, you still have some work to do in effectively resolving conflicts, but less of it. If your score is +10 or higher, you are almost certainly in a happy, well-adjusted and respectful relationship.

Tagged: arguing well   fighting fair   resolving conflicts  

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