This is a preview. The full article appears in Neil's book: Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship

Dear Neil: I spend a fair amount of time angry at my husband. When I’m alone, I silently say to myself that my husband has hurt me, or disappointed me or angered me—and I think of all the things he has done in our 17 years together that fit those emotions. I then started sharing these emotions about my husband with several close girlfriends of mine. That way no one gets hurt, and I get to vent, commiserate with others and receive support for my feelings. Recently I shared with my husband some of the things us girls have been talking about, and he got furious. He said that I was violating his trust and hurting our marriage. I said no I’m not, I’m just venting to friends. This has caused a rift between us. Do you have an opinion?

No Harm Meant in Connecticut

Dear Connecticut: It can be helpful to work out how you feel about an issue by talking with others. Nothing is wrong with talking things out with other people — that’s indeed what most counselors and therapists do for a living. But you have to be careful, because your husband could easily feel that you are revealing things to friends that may feel personal and private to him, and you don’t want him to feel that you have breached trust or have publicly undressed him.

There are actually three issues here.

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