Dear Neil: In October of 2003, I found a phone number that I knew was a woman my boyfriend of five years had been intimate with before we met. When I confronted him, he became very angry and would not answer as to how he’d obtained the number. I know that he visited her the […]
Unlock Barriers to Giving and Receiving Love
Dear Neil: My wife and I have been reading your recent three-part series about how people block themselves from giving and receiving love. It has spoken closely to our situation. At conception, my wife was unwanted by her mother. This translated to her forming strong and mystifying barriers to me. These barriers have refused all […]
How We Avoid Loving and Being Loved
Note: this is the third of a three-part series. On the simplest level, the way we approach our intimate relationships demonstrate whether we’ve learned if people are safe and trustworthy, or whether being close to others is dangerous because we are likely to end up getting hurt. The fights, withdrawals and hurt feelings are really […]
Do You Find Yourself Resistant to Love?
Note: this is the second of a three-part series. Why is it that some people block themselves from giving and receiving love? Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt explain the process in the book Receiving Love (Atria, 2004) : When we are born, openness and receptivity are our natural state. When a caretaker does not properly […]
Quiz: How Comfortable Are You in Receiving Love?
Note: This is the first of a three-part series. Below are questions designed to help you discover how comfortable you are in receiving love. Rank each item with S for “sometimes,” O for “often,” or R for “rarely” or N for “never.” ___ Do you feel uncomfortable when somebody brags about you? ___ Do you […]
Verbally Abusive Husband
Needs Stong Wife Who Forces Change Dear Neil: My husband of three years was verbally abusive. I sugar-coated things, instead of telling him what I was feeling, because I was afraid he would yell and curse at me. I got sick of telling him to calm down and stop yelling, so I left him. After […]
Inability to Trust Leads to Failed Relationships
Note: this is the second of a two-part series. If you grew up in an environment where you were made to feel inadequate, insecure and afraid to trust, you likely have a difficult time in adulthood with your ability to love and to be loved. You will, more than likely, develop a fear of being […]
“I’m Very Independent” Often Relates to Low Trust
Note: this is the first of a two-part series. Dear Neil: What does it mean when my girlfriend says she is very independent, fears being controlled and doesn’t trust easily? Isn’t the idea of being in an adult relationship for both people to trust, rely on and depend on each other? Feeling Pushed Away in Westminster, Colorado […]
Self-Sabotage Undermines Your Belief in Yourself
Dear Neil: I have a pattern of choosing men who are unavailable, already in a relationship, married to their jobs or just out for a good time. The ones that are available, who treat me well, who offer me hope—I find inadequate, and I eventually dump them. Why am I doing this? I would like […]
Why Do All Our Trips Get Ruined?
Dear Neil: Can you help me figure out why my girlfriend and I seem to fight a lot when we’re on holiday? We schedule time off, plan the holiday together, talk about it and look forward to it. But when we’re actually on the trip, she gets seriously touchy, reactive, jealous, critical, judgmental, impatient with […]