Dear Neil: I have loved a man like no other. But I didn’t listen to my gut as he became the Silent Dark Shadow, and I stayed, hoping for it to get better. We had a lovely son together, but when I realized how lonely I was—that it has always been me wanting us to […]
Sabotaging the Relationship You Want
Note: This is the second of a two-part series. Do you have a pattern of choosing an emotionally unavailable intimate partner—a person exceedingly difficult to get or stay close to, whose heart is very protected, insulated or standoffish—while rejecting the person who is available, heartful, caring, responsive and who is easy to be close to? […]
A Promising Relationship Deserves a Chance
Note: This is the first of a two-part series. Dear Neil: Recently I ended a promising relationship with a man that I had some misgivings about. He was solicitous of me: What did I want? How was I feeling? No man has ever been so attentive to my feelings or wishes, and it made me […]
Why Am I So Critical of Others?
Dear Neil: Why am I so critical of other people? I can really get on my boyfriend’s case from time to time, because he angers or disappoints me, because he misses an opportunity to be romantic or endearing, or because he says or does something that hurts me. I think perhaps I’ve always been like […]
Good Relationships Are Hard to Achieve
If there is a trend I’ve noticed in the 23 years I have been a relationship and marriage therapist, it’s that many people never enter a healthy intimate relationship, and even fewer know how to maintain a healthy relationship over time. Here are some of the ways people sabotage their relationships: Single people are having […]
Living Parallel Lives
Have you ever wondered how committed couples begin to fall apart? Typically one person gets preoccupied at work, or with the kids, or with day-to-day living or with worries. The other person gradually notices the partner/spouse/lover is more preoccupied and less emotionally present, and unconsciously adjusts his/her own emotional presence to match. This is subtle […]
Don’t Over-Generalize Relationship Problems
Dear Neil: My girlfriend is a wonderful woman in every way but one. But this one thing makes me question whether we could ever be compatible with each other long-term. She lets everything go till the last minute. You name it—bills, showing up for an appointment on time, washing dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning her […]
Games Some Couples Play
Here are some common—albeit negative—games many couples unwittingly play with each other. Have you ever played any of these games with your spouse/partner? Argumentative and oppositional. Some people tend to be argumentative and oppositional, picking on their partners to get a rise out of them. One or both parties are driven to turmoil, so there […]
The Invisible Divorce
Ways In Which We Emotionally “Exit” Our Relationships In which ways do you emotionally “exit” your intimate relationship? An “exit” is a way of preventing or avoiding closeness and connection by acting out a feeling rather than talking about it. For example, you may watch TV to avoid making love because you are hurt or […]
Criticism Can Carrode Your Relationship
NOTE: THIS IS THE 2ND OF A TWO-PART SERIES Few couples can completely avoid criticizing each other now and then, even in healthy marriages. The trouble begins if you feel that your complaints go unheeded, and your spouse just repeats the offending habits. Or, perhaps you never clearly expressed your concerns, or you don’t express […]