This is a preview. The full article appears in Neil's book: Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship

Does a long-term exclusive relationship deaden sexual desire? Does being with the same sexual partner year in and year out lead to feelings of monotony? Do closeness and intimacy lead to good sex, or do people have the best sex during dating, courtship and/or early marriage?

Perhaps you have some experience that no matter how hot your relationship begins, and no matter how much action the two of you used to have, sexual charge very often peters out over time. It could be that she is tired or angry. It could be that he has lost the interest he used to have, but it could also be that he has been rejected enough that he no longer tries. It could be that romance has fizzled through the years, but it also could be that the two of you have lost the close connection you once had.

Do we grow bored by having sex with the same person over time? Does sameness lead to routineness, repetitiveness, tedium and feeling mechanical? And is there anything we can reasonably do about this?

Actually, there is. Eroticism is indeed numbed by repetition—so that’s where you could start. By adding novelty, adventure and stimulation to your relationship, which may include the bedroom, but don’t limit it to that one arena. Where else in your relationship could you add adventure and novelty? By traveling to someplace new, taking a dance class together, learning a foreign language? By spending 20 minutes every night talking about your hurts, hopes and dreams? By buying a book with different sexual positions and making an agreement to try every last one of them?

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Has your relationship turned cold and distant? Neil’s book Love, Sex, and Staying Warm can help you rekindle your passion.

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