This is a preview. The full article appears in Neil's book: Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship

Oftentimes, people fight about essentially nothing. Take, for instance, the following example of a couple trying to decide which restaurant to go to. She says: “Let’s eat Chinese food tonight.” He says: “I’d prefer pizza.” She says: “We always eat pizza, let’s try something else.” He says: “Pizza is what I like. I don’t want something else.” She says: “You’re so inflexible and boring, and you always want the same thing.” He says: “I’m going to get pizza. Are you coming, or are we eating separately tonight?” She says: “I hope you choke on your pizza,” and walks out of the room.

So what were they fighting about? Perhaps they were fighting about nothing more significant than momentary irritation. But a healthy couple finds a way to do some repair work on the incident soon thereafter, something like: Her: “I’m sorry for saying you should choke on your pizza. I didn’t mean that. Please forgive me.” Him responding: “Perhaps I’m getting too set in my ways. Why don’t you choose the next place for us to eat, and I’ll go along with whatever you choose. I get that you want a more varied menu than I do, and I’ll be more responsive to that in the future.”

But let’s say they don’t do that repair work, as many couples don’t. The incident, which by itself may not have been important, is now left to grow and fester. Pretty soon, it’s not just a regrettable momentary irritation, but a larger issue. She now says that he isn’t responsive to her wishes, that he doesn’t treat her with respect, that he’s controlling and unable to blend in a long-term relationship.

Now the couple has a real problem. The minor incident, not repaired, has now grown into a possible relationship-threatening issue. But if the couple didn’t repair the original incident, they are likely to be ill-equipped and unskilled in knowing how to address and resolve the larger and more emotional issues they now face.

There are three common ways that get otherwise committed relationships into trouble.

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