There are so many ways of detaching and disengaging in a relationship that we’re not always conscious of when we are doing it. Here is a list of some of the most common ways people disconnect from each other:

  • Making your intimate partner a lower priority in your life. If you do this, your partner will feel less important and undervalued.
  • Not allowing enough quality time together, or not doing many things with each other.
  • Not paying attention, being distracted, preoccupied or being chronically tired.
  • Being a poor listener. Frequently interrupting, talking over your partner, or listening for what you can disagree with or argue about.
  • Having a defensive wall up, so your spouse doesn’t feel you’re receptive to his/her feelings, requests, hurts or needs.
  • Not honoring what your partner says matters to him/her.
  • Not showing empathy or compassion for his/her feelings, wants or desires.
  • Infidelity. For some this includes porn, and it definitely includes sex and sexual flirting.
  • Being extremely possessive or jealous. This will cause your spouse to pull away from you.
  • Judging, criticizing or shaming. How are criticisms offered? The difference between saying something in anger/irritation and saying something from kindness and tact is huge.
  • Getting abrasive quickly or frequently. It pushes the other person away.
  • Treating your feelings, needs, irritations, sensitive subjects and requests as far more important than your partner’s.
  • Withdrawing friendliness and generosity of spirit as soon as you get upset or angry.
  • No matter whether you are addicted to the internet, overworking, excessive drinking, TV, porn, food or drugs, all of these will keep your relationship more distant.
  • Incessant complaining.
  • Demeaning or belittling words (or behaviors). Being rude. Name calling. Being hateful.
  • Taking more than you give.

There are ways of changing these behaviors. You could make your relationship a higher priority, carve out more quality time to be together, give your partner your undistracted attention and presence, be a much better listener, control your anger and be less adversarial, be more kind and friendly, add romance and make sure you create ways to have fun together.

Tagged: being distant   disconnection   how do we get better connected?   reconnecting   relationship problems  

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