This is a preview. The full article appears in Neil's book: Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship

Dear Neil: My fiancé has cheated on me our entire 3 year relationship, having been faithful for perhaps 2 months in that 3 year period. He proposed to me a year ago, and has admitted that he only gave me a ring because of all the trouble he was in with me. But he hasn’t been faithful since then, either.

Because of all the years of lies and deceit, I find it next to impossible to trust him. Now he wants me to trust the “new him.” Can you advise me on where to start in order to regain trust for him?

Not Sure How To Do This in Charlotte, North Carolina

Dear Charlotte: I will tell you how it might be possible for you to begin to trust him again, but first I would like to caution you that your fiancé does not sound even remotely ready to marry you, and I think it is not in your self-interest to be engaged to him at this time.

Proposing to a woman implies that a man is ready, able, prepared and wanting to be married to her. It is not wise to propose to a woman as a way of apologizing for bad behavior, because then the woman is not going to trust that it’s a serious proposal and that the man really wants to marry her. By accepting his proposal, you essentially let him off the hook for all of his previous infidelity, in essence saying that you will forgive previous indiscretions if he shapes up from now on.

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Tagged: how to win back trust  

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